“ He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine…”—
I wish my brother was like that. Even if he isn’t a kid anymore, he’s 15 now. But I hesitate to talk to him about my girlfriend. Even if we don’t get on very well, I know that he loves me, and I also know that he’s the only one do that in my family. When I mutilated myself, he saw it. He cried and he told me that I shouldn’t do that because I am his sister and he doesn’t want to lose me. He didn’t told that he loves me but I understood it. My parents didn’t notice anything. And when I talked to them about suicide, they didn’t react, my mom just asked me if I wanted to see a shrink. No, I don’t need a fucking shrink, I just need the love you never gave me.
Well. So I know that my little bro loves me. The problem is that I also know that he’s homophobic. Our parents educated us in this way. I was homophobic until my 14, when I listened to Lola. My bro didn’t changed his mind , he never thought about it. Sometimes he tells so hurtful homophobic things. I don’t know if he can accept it as I did. But I really want to tell him. I am so happy, and I want to share my happiness with him. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how he will react. I’m afraid…
I love you so much, I don’t want to let you go. Never. I want to stay forever with you. I want to live with you. I want to realize our beautiful dreams. I know you’ve been waiting for me so long, I don’t want it to end now. Je n’aurais jamais imaginé tomber amoureuse de toi, et pourtant maintenant je ne pourrais plus imaginer ma vie sans toi. J’ai tellement peur de te perdre, tellement peur que tout se termine avant même qu’on aie eu le temps de se voir. Je sais que quand on vivra ensemble tout ira tellement mieux, tout s’arrangera, mais j’ai peur de ce qui pourrait arriver avant ça. Je me dis que c’est dans peu de temps finalement, comparé à la vie qu’il nous restera après ça. Mais ça me paraît tellement loin. Ca n’arrivera jamais assez vite. Je veux rêver avec toi. Et ne jamais arrêter.